Dr. Jonathan Lasson
443-939-1195
Improving Chattan/Kallah Education: A Piece of C.A.K.E.
Please note that the following information is not for public distribution or clinical use.
A young couple came to my office for marital counseling three months after their wedding. They are obviously unhappy newlyweds and quite distressed about their situation. A half hour into the session the husband related to me that he did not feel that this marriage could last more than another six months at most. Issues such as overbearing parents and unrealistic expectations on both
sides had plagued their brief marriage to the extent that they were both
contemplating divorce. His wife then remarked, “Thank God I’m not expecting a
baby!” After further discussion, it turned out that this couple had not yet
consummated their marriage. They had been sleeping in separate rooms since
their wedding and basically had been leading separate lives.
Although this may sound like an extreme example, cases bearing similar problems
have become more common nowadays. Couples feel it is easier to get out of a
marriage then to try to work things out. Fortunately for this couple, they sought
help before it was too late.
Although the divorce rate among Orthodox Jews is relatively low in comparison to the general population, it is steadily increasing. Why?
A few years ago, I embarked on a research project to answer this question. I had several friends from my yeshiva days who were at the time divorced or in the process of marital dissolution. I began to look into our current system of pre-marital education and found many areas where it fails. As part of this study, I sent out 50 surveys to three groups within the Orthodox community: rabbis, engaged individuals, and divorced individuals. These surveys asked the respondents their feelings on what is contributing to the increasing divorce rate among Orthodox Jews and what type of preventive material should be included in pre- marital education.
Based on the responses from these surveys, I developed a structured pre- marital counseling training program to help improve the quality of Orthodox marriages. Many communities do not have a structured program where couples can study under skilled professionals or Rabbanim. Although some Yeshivot and seminaries offer classes in communication and relationships, very few truly prepare our young men and women for the challenges of marriage.
Our system of pre- marital education is lacking in five basic areas. We need: structure, coordination between Chattan and Kallah teachers, more time devoted to pre-marital education, inclusion of Rabbanim in pre-marital education, and post-marital follow-up counseling.
